Questioning

It's been one of those weeks - the difficult kind. Not overly difficult, just tiring, head-spinning, confusing. I have felt sick all week, which happens much too often for my liking. We have once and for all determined that I am "sickly". I don't like being sickly. I don't like getting sick so often. It seems that if I were... something - smarter, disciplined, a better person... I wouldn't get sick so much. I need to eat better, sleep more, pay attention to pollen counts, and who knows what else (seriously - help me out here - what else do I need to do?).

Confusing. I went to Wheaton this week to hear an "open forum conversation" between representatives of Soulforce's Equality Ride and Wheaton represenatives about Wheaton's policies regarding homosexual members of the community and positions on homosexuality. Confusing. Not just - or even primarily - on the issue of a Christian position on same-sex partnerships in particular. But in relation to what it means for me to be an evangelical, my ambivalence towards evangelicalism, the freedom - and the danger - of asking questions, the hard ones, the easy ones - the whole thing. I'm not having a crisis of faith, please don't misunderstand me. But perhaps I'm having a crisis of church. I'm not sure - but what frustrates me more than being unsure, is feeling unable to navigate my questions in a community free of fear and the pressures associated with it. I'm afraid to question because my questions will cause others to react to me in fear - I'm not afraid of the questions themselves or of God's desire and power to lead us into all truth. But I'm afraid I'm not a member of the kind of community open to the questions and ready to be led. I have felt so often in recent months (years) that I live in a Christian community that is mostly living by rote, not by following a living God. We don't listen to God, we think we know what he wants to say. Our prayers tell him what to do rather than ask him to speak. It's not that we're disobedient - it's deeper than that; how can we obey if we don't ask.

But I'm trying to not be cynical. Please, though, if you read this - I'm not interested in pat answers or dismissive platitudes. The problem is not simply my cynicism - my cynicism is a problematic reaction, but there is a real problem I'm reacting to.

Something more uplifting in a few days :)